11 Arts Headlines You Missed in 2011

Yes, it’s that time of year again — time to reunite with family, remember our blessings, and write art-world news headlines that didn’t really happen.

A couple of you will remember my Top 10 “Arts Headlines You Missed in 2010.”

Since you were surely aching for more throughout all of 2011, I now offer you 10% more fake arts headlines for the same great price.

Why not be consistent, you ask, and stop at 10?

But this one goes to 11.

Nation’s Grandmothers Bring Class Action Suit Against Tchaikovsky, Citing Debilitating Mental Trauma from Prolonged and Repeated Exposure to The Nutcracker Ballet

Documentary Film So Close to Being Finished if Only Homeless Family Would Get Its Shit Together

New Arts Mentorship Program Pairs Apathetic Teens with Demoralized Artists

Occupy Wall Street Finance Committee Spends Over $5 Million of Donations and T-shirt Proceeds to Outbid Furious Goldman Sachs Executives at Sotheby’s Contemporary Art Auction

Boardmembers of Local History Museum Are “Shocked and Dismayed” to Learn Their Part-Time Administrator Hasn’t Opened the Building to the Public in Over 3 Years

Bookstore Chain Purchases Newspaper Conglomerate, Raising Monopoly Fears Among the Extremely Aged

400-Year-Old Rembrandt Self-Portrait as a Long-Haired, Beret-Wearing Artist Somehow Confirms Viewer’s Stereotype of Elitist, French-Loving, Tax-and-Spend Democrats

Mitt Romney Vows to Enforce Immigration Laws, Will Deport ArtBasel Miami

Alice Walton’s Plan to Demolish and Replace Her Brand-New Museum with a “Super Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art” Promises Wider Selection and an Even More Unbeatable Admission Price

Wooing Younger Audience, Orchestra Announces Evening of New Works by @BronxZooCobra

Bohemian Artist, Rejecting Mainstream Society, Decides to Get a Job

Here’s to making headlines in 2012.